by Wai-Kwan Chislett
What if the big secret we’re keeping from everyone is that Love doesn’t matter. Being in love doesn’t matter. Sure it’s a nice feeling, it’s wonderful, and intoxicating, and incredibly powerful but maybe it’s not necessary or essential in a long-term relationship. Maybe faith is more important. Believing that something will last. And even as I write those words, I know that I don’t really believe them myself.
Recently I’ve learned that being in love isn’t everything. Being in love doesn’t mean that you’re going to be together and live happily ever after. It’s a state of mind, it’s something we can’t really control, but being together is the choice and staying together is the choice.
Because there’s loving someone, right? And being in love. Which are two distinct creatures. Loving someone is like having a horse and being ‘in love‘ with someone is like having a unicorn. That was a terrible analogy. I’ve been known to make such terrible analogies about love, and relationships, and all things of that sort.
But back to the love and ‘in love’ thing. If you’ve ever been ‘in love’ you might describe the sensation as being somewhat supernatural. It’s like every part of you believes so strongly that this person lives within a part of you, not your body but your soul. These are all very abstract ideas. They’re not tangible. Loving someone is more explainable, generally speaking. It’s caring for someone deeply. There are reasons why you love people. They can be specific like, “I love this person because they are incredibly compassionate and caring.” Or, “I love this person because they bring me coffee in the morning.” Or perhaps, “I love this person because I’ve gotten to know them and they’re now a part of my life.” Being in love with someone doesn’t necessarily have a conscious reason. Although sometimes you may feel that you have a connection with someone; that you understand each other in ways that other people can’t comprehend.
In reality, does that mean that it will lead to a long-lasting sustainable relationship? Well, no. Because often times that’s in the beginning, before you’ve had any real conflict. It’s all butterflies, and rainbows, and f***ing doves until some tornado comes tearing through the middle of your happy little fairy tale and then sh** gets real. That’s when you find out the strength of your togetherness. Not in the times when everything’s smooth sailing, but in the moments of hardship. Just because you speak the same language when everything is fine doesn’t mean that you will cope with disaster in the same way and that is where it doesn’t f***ing matter if you’re in love or not.
Being in love doesn’t mean that you will know how to overcome these obstacles because perhaps you have in your head a certain way in which this can be achieved but perhaps your other half has totally contrary ideas and then everything gets lost in misinterpretations. Perhaps their way of getting past something is to keep it all inside and sort it out in their heads and allow time to work it out. And perhaps your way is to lay it all on the table, and deal with it now and get it over and done with so that you don’t waste any more time being in a state of limbo asking, “what the f*** is going on?” Which your other half may interpret as your “pressuring” a delicate situation that requires a great amount of time to heal itself. Only then you interpret their waiting and hesitance to broach the subject as not instantaneous or bold enough to really want to save this incredible and rare “love“, then everything just self-combusts… doesn’t it?
So here’s a thought to ease your skepticism, because I know you’re in a dark place and you cannot see that metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel but maybe also because you don’t want to just yet. Maybe you’re not ready to let it go, and that’s okay. Take time to stew over it. Take time to cry to exhaustion. Take time to bask in the sorrow; really let it soak in. Go on and obsess over it. Don’t fight it. Let yourself grieve and mourn but keep it to yourself. Let yourself go behind closed doors; and one day you will wake up and you will be free again. You will have cried and thought and rethought and screamed in anger and cried again. It won’t kill you even though you might feel dead inside for a while. One day you’ll wake up and everything will be bright again. Just take your time, don’t rush the process, and when your heart is ready, when you’ve found yourself again; when you’ve learned to love yourself again; it will set you free.
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Life, Love, Passion, Travel, Adventure, Mischief, Art, Fun, Daring. Chaos in Colors — If there is a chance at Love, I will take it.